My very first thought was.. "Who the heck is this guy looking back at me?" I swear I looked disheveled, sad and truly unhappy. Even my posture had a defeated look to it. I was unrecognizable to myself and looked like someone whose spirit was broken. I then thought, when did all of this happen? My time of existential crisis had hit. It kind of shocked me, and at that moment felt like it was coming out of left field.
In retrospect, over the last few weeks I haven't shaven, and truly neglected my appearance. Like so many others out of work and stuck at home, I got to the point very quickly where I thought.. "What's the point?" During that same time period, negative thoughts and feelings of anger, fear, anxiety and hopelessness slowly crept in. I didn't really notice them until yesterday, because I had been preoccupying myself with lots of activity and work. I decided I had to get back as close to my old self as I could, and needed to start sorting everything out. First things first.. I grabbed my razor and clippers to give myself a shave & a haircut.
Before and after a shave & Haircut
Now I'm not so shallow as to think cleaning myself up and dusting myself off would be enough to make everything better. But I've got to tell you, there was something very therapeutic about giving myself a haircut and having a nice shave. I took a nice long shower afterward, and when I looked in the mirror again, I felt like a new man. Mind you.. I felt much better than before, but not the same as I once was. I still had some self reflection to do.
Seeing the results of taking care of myself was the result of that symbolic first step, of stripping down the bad to get to the root of the problem. I had some comfort food for lunch.. White Castle Cheeseburgers and a Coke. I sat for a very long time thinking about what was going on with me. After awhile I surprisingly felt more at peace, because I resolved to do the following..
- Accept this current situation as reality
- Stop focusing on the negative
- Stop trying to bury feelings instead of dealing with them
- Start working harder to be happy
Most of these statements are easier said than done, but I am going to work on them diligently. It is so easy for me to dwell on the negative and as a result lose myself to pessimism. I HATE this about myself and am resolved to fight this with all of my might.
Later after lunch, I tried a reboot of sorts. I watched no news the rest of the day, lost myself in a book for awhile, revisited some old journals I had written, and made myself focus on a positive thoughts about the future.
Am I back to normal yet? Heck no, but then again.. if I truly accept the current situation we are in, getting back 100% to my old self may not be possible right now. And even after we come through on the other side of all this.. our new normal may be very different than what we are all expecting. I didn't think I would have to focus on my mental health so much at the beginning of this, but if I don't.. I will be robbed of joy and will lose myself.
I'm not sure if any of this may be of help to anyone else out there who is possibly struggling with being happy right now, but I can say this.. we can't let this whole mess destroy us. Do anything you can to stay positive. Talk to friends or family about all of this. If you don't have anyone to talk to, drop a comment below and get a discussion started. It may feel like you are alone, but you're not. I wish the best for all of you my friends. Keep your heads up, and hang in there!