Bathroom humor - clever retro sayings for bowel movements



Back in my day.. it seemed like our grandfathers, dads, uncles, and older brothers, had an endless array of ingenious terminology for going number two.  Here's the top ten I've heard over the years that particularly stand out the most in my mind ..


Evacuating the premises
Laying a brick
Paying the band
Brown bear exiting his cave
Dropping your guts
Spray painting the porcelain
Releasing the hounds
Releasing a sewer snake
Dropping the kids off at the pool
Growing a tail


And this is just a short list!  There's many more (some of which I can't repeat here).  Perhaps I'll post some more subdued phrases here at some point.


Geez I'm gettin' old


As a kid, I never thought I'd utter these words, but I must admit.. I use the phrase "Geez I'm getting Old" more and more with every passing day year.  Here are some things that have come to fruition this year, which made me realize I'm no longer a spring chicken..

  • I often wake up more sore than I was when I went to bed the night before.


  • I get excited when I find coupons that will save me two dollars or more off of a meal.


  • I dig Old Spice aftershave. 
    Plain and simple, the stuff works great (it must.. because it's been around for over 70 years)  It does a great job of tightening up your skin after a shave, and heads off rash and razor burn.  I no longer have an aversion to the scent like I did when I was younger.  Mainly, I didn't like the idea of wearing the same fragrance as my Dad, or men over the age of forty. While I'm still abstaining from switching over to this retro scent, now that I'm a Dad of a certain age.. the thought really doesn't bother me any longer.


  • I don't mind talking about certain subjects with my buddies

    Things that used to be embarrassing for young guys to talk about, no longer bother me and my friends.  Colonoscopies, bowel movements, physical ailments, you name it.  Ten years ago I would have thought this was crazy, but suddenly its no big deal to me and the guys to chat about this kind of stuff.  Misery loves company I guess.


  • Cold weather is starting to really bug me

    Sudden changes in the barometer makes my knee hurt, and the winter months do a number on my sinuses and back.  I'd be perfectly happy taking up residence in Florida immediately.  update.. it's now 2017 and I made it to Sunny Florida!

  • I start more and more sentences with

    "Back in the day.."


    The newer alternative to "Back in my day.." or "Back in the old days".  I feel old when I use it, but it's usually warranted, and followed by absolute fact, or eye opening stories for the young whipper snappers of today.


  • I get irritated when lights are left on

    I swear I'm turning into my old man!  It truly bothers me when someone leaves a light on and is not using it.

     
I could go on and on, but at the risk of sounding twenty years older than I actually am.. I'm going to stop for now.  How about you?  Are you surprising yourself with changes in attitude and philosophy as you get older?  Are you fighting the inclination to yell GET OFF MY LAWN to kids passing by? If so, I'd love to hear about it.  After all.. misery loves company.

Dad's Retro phrase of the week


"The bigger they are, the harder they fall"


Isn't this the absolute truth?  From bullies to corporations, the more prominent or powerful they are..  the more difficult it is for them when they lose their power!

Older is better! Example #125.. Manners


Holy Moly, I could write a book on the subject of manners. Like many from my generation, I was taught about manners from a very young age. What I didn't learn from my parents I learned in etiquette classes at school. My how times have changed! I try not to be pessimistic, but it seems like manners, etiquette, and yes.. even common decency, all seem to be falling by the wayside amongst young and old alike.

I usually try to refrain from using my blog as a platform to vent, but there are things I've seen in the last few years that I just can't get out of my head. Maybe I can find solace by talking about them here. I know I can't be the only one that notices these disturbing trends. Here are just a few examples that prove to me, just how far our society has fallen manner-wise.


Holding a door open for someone
I don't expect anyone to hold a door open for me. People lead busy lives and have lots on their minds, so I can't hold it against anyone who doesn't do so for me.  I however, choose to make a conscience effort to do so whenever possible.   If I am already entering a building, I will gladly pause for a few seconds so someone won't have to open the door themselves. I also make a point to step aside and let women and senior citizens enter a building before myself.

I must give credit for my manners to my parents, particularly my old man. I remember Dad instructing me to open doors for mothers with children in tow, and for senior citizens back when I was only five years old. He never had to explain why I should do so, it was just something "I got".

When I see a senior citizen, my mind starts to wander. What kinds of heartache, joy, or trials and tribulations have they endured during their lifetime? Their lives are truly something to be admired, and they deserve our respect and honor. As for women, they should be regarded as precious, and need to be treasured for no other reason than because they are women.

That being said, let me share what happened to me twice in recent months while holding the door for someone. The first was at the post office one afternoon. I had four boxes in one arm and was opening the door with the other. As I readied to enter the building, I noticed two women getting ready to exit, so I stepped aside and held the door open for them. Both looked me straight in the eye, shot me a nasty glare, and walked by without saying a word.  As the second woman walked by, I heard something faintly hit the ground. It was a couple of envelopes and a book of stamps. I quickly said "Ma'am.. you dropped something." The woman turned around, first looked at me.. and then at the ground where I was pointing, as I held the door open with my elbow.

The woman let out a deep sigh similar to what I'd hear from my kids when I ask them to empty the dishwasher. She walked back into the building, quickly snatched the envelopes from the doorway, turned around, and walked off without uttering a single word to me. Let me clarify that I don't expect a "thank you" for holding a door open for someone, but I thought it was pretty rude in this particular case not to even acknowledge me.  For a second I thought maybe these ladies didn't speak English, until one called to the other and said "What was it?" the other replied non nonchalantly, "My credit card bills and stamps".

The second situation took place at a restaurant with my family of five. From the window, we could see there was already a line forming in front of the cash register. My son held the door open for us as we prepared to enter, when I noticed an elderly couple about twenty feet away slowly approaching. I instructed my kids to step aside and let them enter before us. As they walked past us, there was no acknowledgment to my son for holding the door open, and that was perfectly fine.. no harm done.

When we were ready to enter the building, the gentlemen err.. man stepped back into the doorway so we couldn't pass. He then motioned for the rest of his family to join him. His family was just getting out of their car, which was a good fifty feet away in the parking lot. What was really amusing, is that he didn't look at any of us the entire time he waited for his family. He just kept yelling.. "Hurry up.. Hurry up.. it's filling up in here!!"

I kept wondering.. "How does he think this door is staying open?" But the story gets better. As his family of eight casually walked up to the door, each and every one of them ignored us as well! They obviously saw us holding the door for them and dear old dad, and that we were waiting to enter the restaurant as well. I could do nothing else but shake my head, laugh, and think.. "Wow.. that's one big gene pool of rudeness."

I'm not going to lie. There's been many times that I've thought "That's the last time I hold a door open for anyone!" But who am I kidding.. I'm not going to let rude people change me for the worse. Imagine how the world would be if everyone took this attitude.



Respect for the Dead
I was driving home a couple of years ago on a little side road, when I noticed a funeral procession approaching. I was in the process of turning onto the road from a cross street, so I immediately pulled over, removed my hat, and waited for them to pass. Funeral processions always make me take pause, and focus on what a great gift life is.  What I saw next was something that made my stomach turn. I was parked in front of an International House of Pancakes, and noticed a two door Honda coupe readying to exit the parking lot. I assumed he was going to wait for the procession to pass as well, but apparently wherever he had to go was more important than waiting a minute or so for them to pass by.

This moron peels out of the parking lot at full speed, narrowly squeezing between the passenger side fender of the hearse, and the broadside of a car that was also parked and waiting for the funeral procession to pass. You could noticeably see the hearse hit its brakes and swerve to the left, resulting in the family's cars directly behind it having to brake hard as well. What's more.. it was one of those "customized" cars with a big spoiler, tacky paint job, glittered window tint, and obnoxious muffler that made the car sound like a sick bumble bee.

As the idiot sped off in front of the procession, I sat there horrified wondering how the family must have felt. Here they are on the way to a loved ones burial, the only one there will ever be for that person.. no chances for do overs. It's already a somber occasion, and the family didn't need any more sadness, or aggravation. This idiots actions may have very well traumatized this poor family, or at least made them feel very bitter for years to come.

On a side note, have you noticed how quick people are to joke about the recently deceased? It's no more than a matter of hours that a celebrity can pass away, and jokes start circulating about them. This just doesn't feel right to me, and never has.


Attire
What's happened to us? Look at pre 1970's movies, news reels, pictures from newspapers, and magazines, and you'll notice that most everyone used to dress so much nicer. Now I'm not saying that men should go to baseball games in suits, and women should wear dresses in most social situations. In fact.. I'm all about being comfortable! I adore my flip flops, cargo shorts, bowling shirts, and blue jeans. However, don't go to a nice restaurant, graduation, wedding, or funeral, in Crocs, flannel, or camouflage prints. Unless of course the guests of honor (or deceased) expressly wanted it that way.  If that is the case, by all means knock yourself out!

I could go on and on about situations similar to the ones I've listed, but I think I'm going to wrap it up now. While I do believe there is a serious lack of manners, common decency, and compassion in society, there are also multitudes of good people who are class acts.  People like the man who told me I had dropped my cellphone, the woman who returned my lost wallet, and the little boy who held the door open for me at the mall, give me hope that all is not lost. I guess all I can do, is try and raise my kids to be compassionate and productive members of society, and they in turn will help to make the world a nicer place to live in.


4 things we never knew we needed, not so very long ago


It's amazing how spoiled we are in this day and age of technology.  Kids may wonder how we ever survived in the dark ages of the 1970's and 80's!  Here's a few examples of things many have come to feel they simply can't live without..


Cell Phones
Hooray!  Now you can be connected to everyone you know 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, not to mention full blown access to the internet.  You can even keep tabs on junior every minute he's away from you.  I've noticed lately that when I carry my cell, I'm mindlessly filling in spare time by texting, checking e-mail, or updating social network status's.  Sometimes it gets to be a bit much, and I will purposely leave the electronic ball and chain at home for the afternoon, or at the very least.. turn it off.  When I do so, it feels as if a weight has been lifted and I can better relax.  Nothing breaks the peacefulness of a 5 mile walk like getting bombarded by texts.

Don't get me wrong.. I'm not knocking cell phones, and I too have been guilty of "checking in" on my kids while they're out for the evening just to make sure everything is okay.  It's just such a sharp contrast to the days when I used to leave the house on on my bicycle on Saturday morning, and not be seen again until dinner time.  Cell phones are also invaluable in emergencies like accidents and car breakdowns.  I once had to walk ten miles on a busy interstate to a pay phone because I had a flat tire.  I don't want my kids to have to do that.  Cell phones are a God send in many ways, but I can see people replacing much of the real human connection we used to have, for the super fast and easy means of communication we now enjoy with our smart phones.

Flat Screen TV's
This is one piece of technology I've always been excited about!  I have a 40 inch screen television I carried out of the store with one hand.  I have an old 32 inch screen in the house that nearly gives me a hernia every time I lift it.  I wonder how many people have blown out  their backs, or have broken their toes over the years while moving around TV's that weigh 60 pounds or more.

Razors with five.. Count em' FIVE blades!
If you would have told me as a young man that we'd someday have razors with five blades, I would have laughed my head off.  Really.. FIVE Blades?!?  Until you personally have to shave every day, this might sound like overkill.  I love these razors, and can't believe how safely and closely they shave.  I shave with an old single blade adjustable razor that you buy replacement blades for.  No matter how careful I am, or how slowly I shave.. I occasionally end up having to put at least one or two pieces of toilet paper on my face to stop some bleeding.  I can't say that I've ever cut myself shaving with razors like the Gillette Fusion razor.  If they weren't so dang expensive, it would probably be my go-to razor.  However.. I'm cheap, and I don't mind slowing my pace of life for fifteen minutes to get a nice close shave with my forty year old adjustable razor.

Google
I would have killed to have Google when I was in school!  We had a complete set of encyclopedias from the late 1950's that I would scour through to do research for school assignments.  If they didn't have the info I was looking for, it was off to the library to search through a newer set.  Once you found the info you needed, you had to copy the info (using a pen or pencil kids) to paper.  Now in mere seconds, you can look up info using Google, copy it, paste it, and print it out!  The ease of obtaining information like this makes me wonder how grammar, spelling, accuracy of history, and literacy as whole, might suffer in the decades to come.  I swear though.. it's great to get an answer to practically any question that pops into your head, in mere seconds.


I could go on for days like this!  While the good old days were indeed good.. we've made a lot of changes for the better as well.  Technology can be a blessing and a curse.  As long as we collectively try to improve our life for the better while keeping in mind the long term effects, we should be okay.  Easier said than done at this point, but we can keep our fingers crossed.

Dad's retro phrase of the week..


"Crap or get off the pot"

Meaning.. hurry up!  

A saying that I don't often hear too much these days (at least from folks under the age of forty).

Retro consumer products


You don't hear these product names mentioned too often anymore. However, for a fella my age.. they're definitely burned into my memory banks.




Old school pomade that hit the market in 1928.  The tag line for this product was "A Little Dab'll Do Ya!".  The product is still available in stores to this day, although few young folks know what it is or does.  I'm wondering if the right kind of retro marketing campaign could breathe life into the product once again?



Postum

A powdered roasted grain beverage that was made from from wheat bran, wheat, molasses, and malodextrin from corn.  Touted as a caffeine free alternative to coffee, I remember it tasting like a cross between coffee and tea.  Never was a big fan.  It was discontinued fairly recently in 2007.

This stuff used to come in a little green glass bottle, and was my old man's answer to a wonder drug.  You could use it for acne, cold sores, fever blisters, scrapes, nicks, chaffed skin, insect bites, and more.  Campho Phenique is also still sold to this day.




A car wax created in 1910.  My old man always had a can of Simoniz carnauba paste lying around the garage somewhere, and I wouldn't be a bit surprised if he still had a vintage can tucked away somewhere.


A malted milk flavoring product kind of like Nesquik.  Mom was happy giving it to us because it was healthier than chocolate milk. Us kids weren't too terribly picky, and it was close enough to the real thing for us.



A colorful and fun circus themed sugary breakfast cereal with marshmallows, born in the 70s.  The recipe was changed by General Mills from an oat based cereal to corn base.  It totally changed the taste, and is the reason I no longer buy it.


Why I cut my kids a little slack when it comes to procrastinating on science projects..


 
Here it is.  A last minute project I finished just minutes before my first period biology class in 8th grade.   I had a full week and a three day weekend to complete my construction of a plant cell, but as so many kids do.. I put it off and forgot about it until I woke up on Monday morning.  

At 6:30 a.m. I ran out to my old man's wood shop, and started scrounging for anything I could find.  I needed to construct something.. anything, so as not to get a big fat zero in the grade book.  I grabbed a piece of pine half buried beneath a pile of sawdust, and ran inside.  I scarfed down a bowl of Wheaties, got dressed, grabbed a hand full of markers, and ran to the bus stop.

After I boarded the school bus, I opened up my biology textbook, sat it next to me on the seat, and quickly began to transfer the likeness of a plant cell to the piece of pine on my lap.  It wasn't until trying to draw on a school bus, that I realized how bumpy of a ride they had.  I found myself praying for red traffic lights, and slow load times at every bus stop.  When the bus wasn't moving, I would draw with lightning speed.  When it was moving, I'd use my time for carefully coloring in shapes.

I got into class five minutes early, and spent that time labeling the different parts of the plant cell, and adding a few more accents so as to make it look like I had worked hard on my project.  The first thing Mr. Wertz did after roll call, was ask for the entire class to turn their projects in.  When I walked up to the desk and handed my plant cell made from pine to him, he looked at it, slowly stuck out his bottom lip, and uttered a slow "Hmmmm".  Walking back to my desk, I was sure I had instantly failed, but was relieved that I wasn't going to receive an incomplete grade.  

Imagine my surprise when our projects were given back to us at the end of the week, and discovered I scored a B-minus on my plant cell!  I've kept this project for the last 26 years, and I shake my head and smile every time I see it.  How the heck did I get a grade of B-minus for this project?!?  I wonder if Mr. Wertz felt sorry for me?  Maybe he thought my family was underprivileged and a slab of pine was all we could afford.  Maybe he just admired my skill at throwing something together last minute.  Whatever the case, I felt like I got away with a fast one, and was ecstatic about the grade.

I can't count how many times my kids have waited until Sunday afternoon to tell me I need to take them to the hobby store for a project that's due on Monday.  This always irks me, but I always try my best to cut them a little slack.  After all, I've been there before, and good planning is something that will come with age and experience.


5 Retro things I've always wanted

Congas and bongos

As a kid, I loved watching I Love Lucy reruns.  My favorite segments of the show were of Desi Arnaz performing in his nightclub The Tropicana. I was always enthralled with the skill and passion that Desi Arnaz oozed while singing and playing his percussion instruments.

I've never been an aspiring musician, but have always had the inkling to take up a musical instrument.  I've messed around with a few musical instruments in my time, but those from the percussion family have always been my favorites.  I did recently buy a modest pair of bongos, and really dig playing around with them.  Playing them feels so natural, and whenever I lay into them, beats come to mind out of nowhere.  Arranging them into rhythmic time with my hands, feels almost as easy as breathing.  I'm not entirely sure why I didn't get into trying my hand at them years ago, but better late than never.



A Ukelele


I'd love to own a ukulele, and learn how to play it.  To me, the ukuleles has always been an endearing instrument synonymous with Polynesian and tiki culture.  How cool would it be to pluck away at one of these at a tiki party, pool party, BBQ, camp fire, while relaxing on the beach, or lounging around in the backyard?  They're so small and compact, you could literally take them anywhere.  My daughter actually wanted one, so we got one for her as a gift.  She's taught herself how to play it, and can compose little ditty's very quickly.






A smoking jacket

Do I smoke?  No.  Am I an aspiring playboy?  Heck no.

I've just always thought smoking jackets were ultra swank!  As a young boy,  I used to see celebrities like Jackie Gleason, Sinatra, Dean Martin, Desi Arnaz, Sherman Hemsley aka George Jefferson, and Cary Grant donning flashy smoking jackets whilst relaxing and unwinding.



The purpose of the smoking jacket was quite simple.  A quality smoking jacket was/is an extremely comfortable garment, made for the express purpose of protecting underclothing from ashes and the smell of cigarette, cigar, or pipe smoke.  However, they also became widely accepted as a men's garment worn for domestic leisure.  Ah yes, I can imagine sitting back in my easy chair on a cold winter night in a soft silk smoking jacket, matching slippers, heck.. maybe even a fez.  No stogies or cigarette's.. just a good book and maybe a nice glass of cognac.  Now that's the good life!



Schwinn Phantom Bicycle
I've always loved the classic lines and styling of the 1950's Schwinn Phantom.  These bikes are extremely collectible now, and while I can't afford to buy a vintage model, I've found a happy medium that's quickly filling the void.  That would be in the form of my Schwinn Legacy Beach Cruiser. 

My bike features the same frame and similar styling to a classic Phantom, minus several bells and whistles.  I've spent the last couple of summers modifying and customizing the bike to my liking, and it brings me great joy to ride it.



A Pinky Ring
Go ahead and laugh.  Most people including my bride usually chuckle or roll their eyes when I tell them I'm in the market for one.  However.. that just makes me want to get one even worse!  Sinatra, Tony Soprano, heck... even Dr. Evil wore pinky rings.  How can they not be cool?  Actually, ever since I was a kid and saw my old man wearing a pinky ring he bought back in the 60's, I've wanted one.  His ring had a lion head with red ruby's for the eyes.  The fact that my mother didn't care for it, further added to the excitement of getting one.  As a kid I got several cheap steel rings from bubble gum machines that I donned as pinky rings.  I remember one featuring a gorilla face, the other the wolf-man, and of course being a child of the 70's, had a gaggle of mood rings.  It seemed like I was always cleaning a perpetual green stain from my finger that those cheap things would leave behind, but I loved them and wore every one until the broke or wore out.

That's it for now.  Trust me.. I've got a huge retro want list.  These were just the first five things that came to mind, so I may have to continue this topic at a later date.  Are there any retro items that you've always wanted, but just haven't got around to buying yet?

Crap that's stuck in my head. The retro pop culture phrase.. "How do you Dooooooo?"

As a young boy, my friends and I would greet each other on occasion with an exuberant "How do you doooooooo?"  What's more, we always did so in our best fake foreign accents.  We had all heard our older siblings, uncles, fathers, actors, comedians, and cartoon characters utter this very phrase.  However, none of us knew where said phrase came from.  Heck..  I've wondered where the phrase originated from for most of my life.  Now.. thirty some odd years later, I finally put two and two together and figured out the mystery.


One of my favorite XM Satellite radio stations is Radio Classics, which plays old time radio shows non stop.   While listening to one of my favorite shows called Duffy's Tavern.. a character whom bar patrons referred to as The Mad Russian, uttered "How do you Dooooooooo?" as he entered the bar, bring an instantaneous roar of laughter from the audience.  It was during the shows closing credits, that I learned the part of The Mad Russian was played by actor Bert Gordon.

Gordon broke onto the Vaudeville scene in 1914, and got into performing in radio during the 1930's.  He appeared throughout the early 40's in both films and radio as his character "The Mad Russian." The actor's character was known for his "steel wool" haircut, ears that wiggled, and of course his famous catch phrases, "How do you do" and "Do you mean it?".  Gordon's tag lines and likeness even appeared in several Warner Bros. cartoons of the period such as the Bugs Bunny cartoon Hare Ribbin'.  Gordon's career was all but over by 1950, and his last filmed appearance was in a 1964 episode of The Dick Van Dyke Show in which he played himself.

So there you have it my friends.. a brief insight into the phrase "How Do you Dooooo?"  Next time you hear this obscure phrase (and believe me.. someday you will) you can share some insight on the matter with anyone that happens to be within earshot!



6 retro phrases that I miss hearing..


I'm old school. I know know it, I'm fine with it, and I own it. This old school attitude also carries over into my linguistics, and I occasionally catch young punks people off guard with older sayings I utter. It didn't dawn on me until recently, that many of the phrases I use are quite old. I guess it should come as no surprise, because my parents and grand parents are where I learned most of them.

In no particular order, here are some old sayings I truly miss hearing but still use on a regular basis.

Fair to Middlin'
My grandfather used to love this one.  When I'm asked how I'm doing by an older person, or a Good Ol' Boy from down south or back east, I respond with "Fair to Middlin'". They get a kick out of it, and they totally recognize the old saying. Apparently the word Middling had to do with the best grade of cotton in the old days. Therefore, Fair to middlin' means you're somewhere between fair and very good. 

That really gets my goat!
For some reason, horses can act calmer and be less stressed with goats in their company. Race horses are no exception, and were often boarded with goats for this reason. A horse can get irritated or upset if their goat companion is taken away from them, which is supposedly how this saying came to life.

Blow your cap
Not sure of the origin on this one, but my friends and I always used to say it when we were referring to getting angry, or losing ones cool.

Judas Priest!!
Used in place of taking Jesus Christ's name in vain when angry. A lot of my childhood friends fathers and grandfathers used this one quite regularly.

They're 100 pounds soaking wet with 10 pound boots on.
Used in reference to scrawny, skinny, or petite folks.

Son of a biscuit!
Used in place of the uncouth alternative. Mind you.. this is a widely used saying in my workplace. One of my workmates who is a bit older, uses this very phrase along with "Shucks" as alternatives to foul language. Others at our company found it so amusing, that everyone who knows him has started repeating the phrases in lieu of using profanity!

I've got tons more, but I'm really dying to learn what old sayings and phrases you personally love, miss, and still use to this day. Let's hear them!

Another edition of.. Holy crap I AM turning into my parents!


No need for deep philosophical discussion on this topic, but here's a few things I've noticed about myself lately..



New music sounds like crap to me
I kid you not, even the so called good music doesn't sound good to me at all.  I hear maybe half a dozen songs a year from new artists that I like.  I find myself ever more listening to older music from the 50's through the 80's and sorely missing the good old days. 

I have more coupons in my wallet than money
I may not be loaded with scrilla, but by god.. I can get a heck of a good deal on two pizzas with garlic bread, or a four wheel tire rotation and alignment!
 

I get irritated with cheaply made products
My regular readers know what I'm talking about.  I sometimes get on rants for days about cheap plastic crap that Wal-Mart sells.  Whether it's a cheap sprinkler, a spatula, or hair dryer, I'm steadily buying more and more vintage items for everyday use, and laughing all the way to the bank.

Fast food doesn't taste as good as it used to
Two years ago I was the king of fast food, and even had a web-site dedicated to artery pounding monstrosities that I had conquered.  Due to a health scare, I've greatly changed my eating habits since that time.  When I do dine on fast food..  it really doesn't do anything for me.  Well.. except for maybe giving me an upset stomach, and feelings of guilt for treating my body like a tent rather than a temple. 

I'm more at peace with the way I look
Everyone has things about their appearance that they don't like.  Suddenly this year, none of my old personal hang ups seem to matter as much as they used to.  Life is too short to sweat superficial things, and it will just take away from a whole lot of living I need to do.

I guess these things aren't necessarily bad, just a wake up call that I've really changed, and will probably continue to do so as I get older.  The thought of becoming more like my parents used to horrify me, but now I don't view it as a bad thing.  If I ever start mowing the lawn in slippers and black socks however, someone will need to slap me.

The retro phrase.. "Light a match"


Light a Match
 
[ lyght - a - mach ]

retro phrase
  1. The act of striking a match and letting it burn after one is finished expelling bodily waste. A means of bathroom etiquette used to eradicate unpleasant lingering odors produced by ones own excrement.

I'll let you in on a little secret.  I sometimes challenge myself to use various retro phrases in my daily context five times during a day.  Surprisingly, I found that the phrase "Light a match" wasn't too hard to work into conversation.  Living in a house with a family of five, and given some of the guys I work with..  the task was indeed all too easy.


I remember this phrase being used quite a bit when I was a young boy.  I also recall lots of people practicing this nearly extinct form of bathroom etiquette.  As memories go, family gatherings and parties stand out the most, in regards to this.  When my family used to get together, the house would literally be bursting at the seams.  We'd have spreads of food big enough to feed a small army, and everyone always ate their fill.  Shortly after dessert was when foot traffic to the bathroom steadily began increasing.  In fact, it's probably safe to say that the commode was pretty much occupied for the rest of the evening.

I remember some of my aunts telling their husbands discreetly to "light a match" after they were finished.  My uncles on the other hand, would not so discreetly say things to the kids like..  "Geezaloo! Get back in this bathroom and light a match!".  That type of bathroom humor always got everyone in earshot laughing their heads off.


Mind you, the smell of sulfur dioxide burning from the tip of a match isn't the most pleasant odor.  However, it sure beats what lingers in the air after a person is done making a deposit, or.. taking a load off of their mind.  The sulfur overpowers and even knocks out the toughest of stench.  Although.. I've known a few folks who could stand to light an extra match after they're done vacating the premises.



I can only relate the decline in this practice to a matchbook shortage.  Back in the day, virtually every business gave away free matchbooks.  My old man always had matchbook's in his cars, the garage, the junk drawer, the medicine cabinet, and he didn't even smoke.

I've got to say, this is one of my old man's habits that has indeed rubbed off on me, and yes.. I keep a matchbook in my bathroom at all times.  On occasion, the kids walk into the bathroom, hold their nose, and complain about the smell of a struck match.  I just laugh and kindly remind them that they should be thanking me for doing this.

Older is better! Example #126.. Lawn sprinklers

I've lived in my home for about a decade and a half now, and this afternoon I realized something. I have a pile of sprinklers and none of them work efficiently. That is.. if they still work at all. What's worse, is that I can't even begin to count the ones that I've thrown away over the years!

Over the last nine years I've bought oscillating sprinklers, stationary sprinklers, pulsating sprinklers, adjustable sprinklers, misting sprinklers, rain wave sprinklers, traveling tractor sprinklers, spinning sprinklers, rotary sprinklers, impulse sprinklers, and fun sprinklers for the kids to play in.

Heck, it feels like I could have gotten a sprinkler system installed for all of the money I've wasted on the garbage I've bought at Home Depot, Lowes, and Wal Mart over the last fifteen summers! I'm embarrassed to say I spent $60.00 on a sprinkler I bought last year which is now broken this season.

Do you know how many sprinklers my parents owned while I was growing up? One. That's right.. ONE metal sprinkler. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times.. things are simply not built to last anymore. I've had sprinklers break simply from one summer of sitting in the sun, or even by just pulling them from the ground. I'm SO sick of buying inferior, cheaply made products made half way around the world!

I almost went to Home Depot to buy yet another disposable sprinkler, but when I realized what I was doing, I slapped myself upside the head. Instead, I'm going to follow suit once again with something I've been doing more as of late, and that is buying vintage. I'm going to visit a few thrift stores to try and find an old school sprinkler. You know.. the ones from the 50's, 60's, or 70's that you might still see in your parents or grandparents garage. They're made out of aluminum or steel, have no cheap plastic parts, and were constructed in the good old U.S.A. If I can't find them in the second hand stores, then I will buy one off of eBay where they're more than abundant.


Depending on the item, buying retro is definitely the way to go if you want true staying power. Our society used to have a much different view of consumerism several decades ago. Things used to be made to last, so you could spend your hard earned money on more important things. Even when things did break, you could easily obtain replacement parts to fix them. If it were a bit out of your grasp to do a repair on something like an appliance, you could then take the item to a fix-it shop, or somewhere else to get it repaired. Throwing things away was a last resort when I was a kid. It always makes me feel a bit better about myself when I can reduce unnecessary waste going into landfills. Who'd of thought going retro could be a form of sustainability in itself!?!

How about you? Are there vintage items you personally prefer to use over new ones?  Are you fed up with the state of consumerism in regards to cheap and inferior products?  If so, feel free to chime in.